3/6 Continued: Another typical phone debacle

So I am on the phone now with Verizon - on hold of course. I am talking to my third person so far. The first person was in the wrong department. Duh. The second person was able to find my account number, but didn't know how to locate my final bill, so she has conferenced in a third lady. The lady took my account number, put me on hold for 10 minutes, and came back and said "how can I help you?" Duh. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH MY FINAL BILL???

Finally, she came back and said there is no final bill. I said that's odd since the person last week thought it was going to be $14.10. Now, she's confused and I am back on hold...

Holy shit, this is maddening. The lady came back and said that she can't access my final bill because it would be billed as part of my telephone bill. I NEVER HAD A FREAKING VERIZON PHONE!!

So she transferred to a lady in landline collections. What the hell sense did that make? The lady in landline collections had no idea why I would have been transferred to her either. So she transferred me to another department - the prompts made it seem like it was a bill resolution department. Perfect. I need some freaking resolution.

The representative quoted me $9.61. So in the past week or so, I have heard "I don't know," $0, $14.10, and $9.61. She said that I should have received the bill, which was supposedly mailed on February 16th (curiously, a Saturday). I told her that I did not believe her, and that I certainly had not received it, and asked if I could get a copy of that bill for my records. The lady put me on hold while she figured out how to get a copy of the bill sent to my address.

5 minutes on hold AND I JUST GOT DUMPED BACK INTO THE GENERAL QUEUE!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??????? NOW I AM IN THE VERIZON FIOS SALES QUEUE!!!!! JESUS H CHRIST!!!

SO I CHOOSE THE PROMPT TO SPEAK WITH BILLING, AND IT SAYS "CONTACT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESS OFFICE" AND HANGS UP ON ME.

TOTAL PEOPLE I SPOKE WITH = 5
TOTAL TIME SPENT ON THE PHONE = 45 MINUTES
TOTAL ISSUES RESOLVED = 0

DAMN YOU VERIZON!!!!