The Beginning: My Terrible Experience with Verizon FIOS Customer "Service"

I will go so far as to say that I would have preferred to have been waterboarded than endure the experience I had with Verizon FIOS over the past few months. Everyone's human, so a few long waits and a few mistakes here and there are no big deal. But continuously utter incompetence, repeated lack of follow-up, and the absence of accountability at any level are symptoms of a much more serious problem.

Let's start with a few more minor gripes, before I get into the serious issue...
1) Good luck getting a copy of your first few bills. After our initial installation of internet and television, Verizon was nice enough to charge my credit card each month, but they didn't bother sending me a copy of the bill. This proved to be quite a challenge. They said to get it online, but for some reason neither my phone nor account number would allow me to register with the site. Most representatives were confused why I would even need a copy of the bill. That's one of the stupidest things I have ever heard, but it certainly wouldn't be the stupidest thing I heard from Verizon. In retrospect, such a simple issue that caused so much heartburn should have been a redflag that Verizon wasn't right for me, but I stuck with it - much to my dismay.

2) Either I had intermittent service issues or the wireless modem they provided blows. Either way it was my problem, apparently. How does frequent 0 mbps upload and download sound? I have a colleague at work who reported similar issues in the past few months, and he too was given the runaround by technical support (e.g. Did you reset the router? Yes, putz. His full story will be detailed in a later post, and apparently is related to mine). I called tech support multiple times and, each time, they said things were fine. They even pointed me to a cute little speedtest that confirmed their diagnosis. How the hell is 0 mbps transfer a "success?" And why the hell are they "congratulating" me?

3) They offer fewer HD channels than my local cable provider. With all that fiber optic bandwidth, shouldn't they be able to offer at least a comparable number of HD channels?

4) They do not offer NBA League Pass, NHL Center Ice, or NFL Sunday Ticket. I know the Sunday Ticket package is exclusive to one provider, but the others are not.

5) Their website is downright terrible.

6) I know it's common to complain about customer service (long wait times, offshoring, etc.), but Verizon's customer service is so far beyond bad that it's almost indescribable. Atrocious. Despicable. Maddening. Horrendous. Deplorable. Basically every SAT word that you can think of that's synonymous with "sucks big time." I will humbly attempt to describe my experience in hopes that I might save just a few people from the experience I endured.

It all started with an installation gone awry. I had FIOS internet and TV, but was looking to add the phone offering to my bundle of services. Verizon was planning to install a phone with a number ported from another carrier. I was told this could take up to 10 business days, so we started the process and scheduled an installation nearly 4 weeks in advance.

4 weeks later, I waited around from the requisite 8am-12pm as indicated. Needless to say, no one showed up - no technician, no phone call, no nothing. So I called Verizon's Customer "Service" line for the first of what would be literally seemingly endless times.

So my daily routine for the next two weeks was as follows:
1) Call the Verizon FIOS customer service line, and go through the maddening digital helper woman. Each time you call, and choose the same prompts, you seem to get routed differently. Choosing something as simple as "order status" got me to such places as tech support, multple Verizon land line phone service regions (many of which were not mine), new accounts, and my favorite...A COMPLETE DISCONNECT. THE LINE JUST GOES DEAD. What a perfect way to set the tone for the type service that awaits.
2) Spend an average of 20 minutes on hold, with a range from anywhere between a few minutes to well over an hour.
3) Explain my story to the representative - and believe me, it got longer every time I called. Just trying to get a phone installed, missed appointment, order in limbo, can I reschedule, etc? Simple stuff, you would think. After letting me explain my story for a good few minutes, many times I heard "oh that's not my department." That's funny, I followed the prompts to the "order status" line.
4) Get dumped into another queue, with no priority status, so my wait begins again.
5) Repeat steps #2 and #3 a few more times (seriously). How does this keep happening? I swear their phone system is retarded - ironic for one of the largest phone companies in the world.
6) Finally get through to the person who can "help" me.
7) Go through my story.
8) Get put on hold, because the representative realizes that my issue is confusing (a phone installation, mind you). Sometimes, this step would end with me right back at step 4 - somehow when I am on hold with one representative, the call gets picked up by a completely new person, sometimes in a completely different department.
9) After long conversations, the representative cannot rectify the issue and promises me a phone call back within 24 hours from a person better suited to help (install a freaking phone).
10) Wait 24 hours for a phone call that never comes.
11) Repeat steps #1 - #10. Literally. Every day. For two weeks. To get a phone installed. Over those two weeks, I estimate that I was on the phone with Verizon for a good 20 hours. And I was promised at least 10 return phone calls which never happened. See why I am so frustrated?

Based on all of my phone conversations, I was able to piece together the root cause of the issue like Van Gogh crafting a fine mosaic. Through the fault of the first person that we spoke to, the order was not filled out correctly and ended up in some despicable form of limbo known at Verizon as the "Shadow Queue." This black hole should be reserved for only the world's worst murderers, but apparently my phone order took up residence there as well.

Of all the people that I spoke with during the first week and a half of my ordeal, no one knew what the hell to do to get my order moving. They spoke of the "Shadow Queue" as if it were the freaking Loch Ness monster - we are pretty sure it exists, but we don't really have any proof. But apparently that's where my order ended up, and that meant I was up shit's creek without a boat.

So to recap - literally every day's ordeal ended with a promise that someone from the proper department would get in touch with me within 24 hours. I went so far as to provide 2 contact numbers so that I would never be out of reach. Each day I grew sadder and sadder, and madder and madder as I realized that I was in an endless loop.

Finally, late in the second week, I had a breakthrough. A very nice woman seemed up to the challenge. She made a Joe Namath-like guarantee that she would win this battle for me, and I would have a phone in no time. So she put me on hold for a while, and came back with the verdict. It was kind of a good news/bad news scenario. The good news was that she figured out the problem. The bad news was that my existing order would need to be canceled and a new one would need to be created in its place.

But hey, this was progress, and I welcomed the opportunity to get this thing moving again. I even went so far as to say that if porting the old number was particularly difficult, I would gladly take a new randomly-assigned phone number. That would require a return phone call within the hour, which she personally guaranteed. In fact, it would come from her supervisor. But like Elmer Fudd being outsmarted by Bugs Bunny once again, I accepted the booby prize that would never materialize. But this conversation wasn't all for naught - the representative leveled with me. A heart to heart chat, if you will.

She indicated that in all of her years with Verizon, she had never seen an account with more issues than mine for such a simple problem. I even had a special "red flag" which indicates a customer who, apparently, is either "mad" or "screwed with." She said that my account notes were akin to a Tolstoy novel full of torture, deceit, and sadness. She said she could not believe how I had put up with this kind of treatment on a daily basis for weeks. In fact, she suggested I contact the "customer retention" department and request a good faith credit based on my experience. So she transferred me to that department, and said that I would be getting a phone call within the hour about the new service order. Sweet.

When I got through to the "customer retention" department, I had to double check the dictionary for the definition of "retention." Turns out, I did know what the word meant. Apparently, the representative did not. I told her my extremely long-winded saga of sadness, and asked her to reference the notes on my account. Her indignant response shocked me - What are you talking about? I don't see any notes or issues indicated on your account. Why would I offer you anything when everything is fine? This was the beginning of the end of my experience with Verizon. I told her that I was completely unsatisfied with both the content and tone of her response. I had literally bent over backwards for hours a day for two weeks TO RESOLVE AN ISSUE THEY CREATED, COULDN'T TROUBLESHOOT, AND DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DAMN DECENCY TO CALL ME BACK ONCE OUT OF ABOUT 10 PROMISED RETURNED CALLS? All for me to ADD SERVICE aka PAY VERIZON MORE MONEY!!! You know what her answer was? I'll have someone call you back within 24 hours.

At this point, I had enough. I asked her how I could trust that I would receive a return phone call when I hadn't received one every day for the past two weeks? That was exactly the problem that exacerbated the initial problem, and she's going to make it better by doing the same thing? She said there was nothing she could do (again, she is in the customer retention department), so I told her there was only one thing I could do. CANCEL MY SERVICE. She hung up on me, of course, as my tone quickly devolved into a catharsis of the frustrations I built up over the two weeks. So I called back to cancel.

In fitting fashion, my first journey through the call router landed me in the wrong department. Despite calling the FIOS number that I always called, I ended up with the landline Verizon group. Sweet. I even wasted my opening line - "With great pleasure, I would love to cancel all of my Verizon services." He giggled a bit, explained he was not the man for the job, and transferred me to the right department.

When canceling, I was presented two options for returning the Verizon equipment. First, was to schedule an appointment (with a 4 hour window) to have a FIOS guy come out and collect the stuff. Are you freaking kidding me? You think I am going through the scheduling ordeal again? No chance, Lance. Instead, the representative promised to send postage paid boxes within 3-5 business days. Also, I was assured that we would not be receiving an early cancellation fee, because I had gone so far out of my way to try and stick with Verzion (and ADD service), that there was just no chance in the world that I should incur a penalty.